It’s been a rough summer in so many ways. Just go on over and look at all the wild news, and even the wilder social media! As a HSP trying to stay informed while filtering out and blocking the onslaught of… all the things, I am a touch fried. With an effort, I rallied focus enough to cough up some lines today:
we ran among the others– all children
he was laughing
my expression fixed in righteous anger tickled him
when i could catch up, i’d swat him, tell him to stop–
he would not– he does not–
as if my actions could possibly take anything away from him–
he went on and on shouting RAPE! at me–
in mockery of all vulnerable people, of our mother–
shaming himself who would claim to be a man (of god)–
Spending a couple of weeks in historic Lexington VA was supposed to be like an art residency. I went with the idea that I would help paint a mural in a university gallery, and perhaps focus on making some art of my own. None of this happened.
In a tiny town where there is nothing much to do, my person chose to prioritize healing.
My body had been quietly collapsing into itself the whole during my sickness so while I had this time, I wrestled with my joints and bones; fought the muscles, tendons, and that blasted thing called fascia. My back hurt often, but I know I am even stronger for the effort. I do stand up straighter. (My kyphosis laughs as I type that.)
I could not focus enough to really create anything. My mind was also busy doing its own messy, inexplicable healing just for being in the rural east again- almost like being home.
Some crying happened.
I saw a lot of deer and met some lovely human people.
I reunited with my brother Mike. I hadn’t seen him in person in many, many years. We wondered at issues surrounding our family dynamic. More crying happened.
I returned to the studio in Mexico with even more to unpack.
AND THEN!:
Because it was the nonsensically correct thing to do in the year of the snake, I made a pilgrimage into the mountains- to the “center of the world” (Mexico City)- to meet a most famous snake. At a pinche comic-con.
I presented myself to the younger Mikkelsen brother- the esteemed actor/model/(dancer!) one- the one with the licentious estrogen brigade trailing him around- the Mads Mikkelsen.
In the sliver of time I had to breathe air with him, I enjoyed his presence- whatever he was projecting- it was very likable, pleasant, soft; almost like a delightful puppy- a tired one. He felt like a quite gentle-person in person. The light he could shine was bright and good.
In wild contrast, beside Mads I was a naked billhook. A stupid, dangerous thing that’s been beaten to a cutting edge. I felt like a violence that should not be casually close to a precious human. But there I was with my arm around a normal, gentle person… trying to remember how to be civilized.
I was suffering altitude sickness and massive anxiety- plus depression! (WooHoo!) These large, mad-high—energy events where you mill around like livestock under flashing lights, blasted with music/noise make me into a monster. A real one. I had to remind myself frequently that no one was intentionally causing me insult.
I just should not be in places where I feel the need to protect myself from an onslaught of stimuli. But I had to make the effort- make myself face epic injustices to my person. Because I am an entire idiot. I might be stronger than I have been, but I am still a moron.
Of course I fumbled when trying to speak to Mads during autograph time- of course I did. I think he fumbled too because his response was strange to me. He asked a question that just threw me off so bad that I could not make more words to explain my joshing attempt. And who the hell wants to explain a joke?! That makes everything worse!
One day I will be slick and adaptable in real time social situations where the power dynamics are skewed against me… Heh, yeah, magari.
Such foolish journeys I have gone on!
A mere sickly street dog finds their way to obtain the boon of shining, famous brothers: a dragon-taurus in the year of the dragon and then a snake-scorpio in the year of the snake…
Oh-Oh- There is a whole heaping pile of symbolism to sort through with all of this!
My anthropological / mythological / whatever-ological mind is going on and on.
