Sun’s Out, Claws Out

Photo by Jeffry Surianto from Pexels

I’m hitting the year of the water tiger with all my claws out. 

I’ve had a blood test come back negative for brucellosis for the first time so very many months. I have no idea if the bacteria is out of my system completely or if it’s hiding somewhere. But! The test confirms how I feel in my body. I feel like a person again! More or less. 

Besides the miracle that is antibiotics, I owe the bulk of my sense of well-being to ashwagandha and resveratrol.

I have been taking ashwagandha for a while now and it has helped me through some really bleak ass mental states. I started taking resveratrol on a whim this year. It is classified as ‘anti-aging’ and figured I would give it a try now that I am right at my 40th year. I’m old. The Millennials are old now. Ahem.

The first time I overdosed on the prescribed dose. Yikes. It was peculiar. The blood flow in my head was altered. I could feel it. The easiest thing to say was that it gave me headaches but they were different than any I had been having; and, oddly enough, I felt good. 

I waited a few days before trying the resveratrol again. I took one pill instead of two. And I have been taking one every day for a few weeks now because I feel more like a person than I have in years. I feel brighter somehow; less like a trembling mass of malfunction. I’m still depressed, but it’s different… 

Over all I feel good, HOW EVER, I don’t trust it for anything. Para nada. My experience has taught me to never trust feeling good. Feeling good means the bottom is going to fall out sooner than later. For instance: After a year of being sick, I felt really great for a few days in January and then- Oops! -Would you look at that, now! -I’ve got Covid!  

So even when I am feeling pretty dang good, I have to take it moment by moment. I have to make myself stop and remember to actually enjoy the sensation of vitality and not wonder when it’s all going straight to hell. Either way though, I am wasting time.

Half of my life is gone now- to struggle.

When does ‘fight or fright’ mode become flow mode? 

When the body or the mind or both are on the very edge of breaking how can one do more than just exist? 

The Tiger is Waiting

cam shot of blog post author glaring at camera. the image is in pink and blue duotone.

January. New western year. 

Same shit. Sick once more.

I am writing post fever while still gritting though blooms of joint and muscle pain erupting everywhere in  my body.

Thanks to all non-compliant, reproachable, selfish, doorknob lickers out there, I most likely have contracted COVID-19-omicron. And I get a bonus extra special prize! I’m having my period! 

So, I have this sentiment to relate- I think you are perhaps adult enough to deal with it- I will not apologize either-

Sand. Fuck. All. Of. You. 

I will try to look forward to the Tiger’s teeth of February. This month is dead to me. Just more dead time. More time lost to being sick. More wasting of the body and mind. 

Mediocrity and suffering are the order of these days. And I am impotent rage; with relentless chin hairs.