quietly messing about with video tools while exploring the depths of how Star Wars has ruined / greatly enriched my life. if you know, you know.
a processed and layered and trashed scene from Lost River by Ryan Gosling featuring Ben Mendelsohn (and Christina Hendricks!) paired with F**kin’ Problems by A$AP Rocky- as the good lord intended. (you so very are welcome.)
under the pixel trash you can see Mr. Once-a-dancer-always-a-dancer, Mads Mikkelsen killing it in Druk by Thomas Vinterberg paired with a dance challenge version of Bitch Better Have My Money by Rihanna (may Mads always be Riri’s bitch) and ambient techno layers resulting in this sloppy drunken travesty.
voice: a Ewan McGregor sound clip stolen from his reading of The Little Matchstick Girl. (this is the line in the story that guts me most every time.)
I am not sure what to write about this month anymore. I considered writing about making art no one wants, or dermatillomania- because it is a shameful form of OCD I have!- or more about trying to openly obsess about fictional characters….
Then I find out my father has taken ill and had to go to the hospital to get sorted out. I’m confused by the whole matter more than scared or worried. I don’t have enough information to be worried. And I don’t want to get angry for not having enough information either. When other people have enough information and the wherewithal to tell me, they will do so. If they don’t, then I can get angry, perhaps. Because it’s not like there is anything I can do to help. I’m on the other side of the continent. Unless my dad wants to do some medical tourism, I don’t know how I could be of service.
I don’t know what the best thing for me to do is.
At all.
Ever.
I’m not ending this year on a down note. Not really. It’s just a very blue note. The song needs to keep going for any of this to make sense… or not… everything is like free jazz around here.
this is an ai generated image that i played around with.
So what shall I embarrass myself with in this month’s post?
How about I discuss a certain kind of neurodivergence?
There is this thing called a Highly Sensitive Person. And another thing call High Sensation Seeking. This is me. Both the things. A walking paradox.
Generally speaking:
“a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who experiences heightened sensitivity to external stimuli and internal emotions. This trait, known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), was first coined by psychologist Elaine Aron. About 15-20% of the population are thought to be HSPs.
And High Sensation Seekers (HSS) crave new and intense experiences, often seeking out thrills and adventures.”
Only perhaps about 30% of HSP are also HSS. That’s extra minority!
So am I mousy and delicate yet I want to ride a golden horse (akhal-teke!) through Anatolia? You bet.
I mean, I can’t tolerate loud music, strong aromas, and low latitude sunshine, yet I live in a rather brash part of Mexico. (Because it is a learning experience. And.. well, I’m poor and cannot live in that posh cabin in the woods a few hours away from a first world city. Which would be slightly more ideal, yeah?)
I seek, I explore, I want to have different experiences, but you will see me display hesitation and even a lot of resistance before trying things out or learning something new. And I will hesitate to try it again because I need to take time with what just happened. The hesitation is me having deeper thought/feeling processing than what most people experience.
It makes be both good and bad at Life. I could throw myself into doing a thing- and ponder it to the point of inaction while doing it! And I know this always gives the wrong impressions.
The way I am wired is not the same as just being shy and oh I just need to come out of my shell. It’s full on neurodivergence.
I am always speaking another- other language. I never know if people understand what I mean and I have to try shrugging off the communication errors by sheltering under the mantle of “artist,” “poet,” “performer.” Whatever.
Humans like to cram things in to these neat boxes and here I am making even less sense than people trying to express other versions of sexuality or non-sexuality.
Maybe placing these clinical labels on myself will help me be understood?
My faith in humans continues to wane.
While I don’t exhibit a all of these traits in extreme ways, here is are the generalized cut-paste lists of what exemplifies Highly Sensitive and High Sensation Seeking people-
Characteristics of HSPs:
Heightened Sensitivity: HSPs are more affected by sensory stimuli like light, sound, and touch.
Deep Emotional Responses: They experience intense emotional reactions to both positive and negative events.
Empathy: HSPs often have a strong capacity for empathy and can easily pick up on others’ feelings.
Overwhelm: Situations that might be moderately stressful for others can be overwhelming for HSPs.
Creativity: Many HSPs are highly creative and have rich inner lives.
Need for Solitude: HSPs often require time alone to recharge and process their experiences.
Characteristics of HSS:
Thrill and Adventure Seeking: Craving activities involving physical risk, like extreme sports.
Experience Seeking: Pursuing new and varied experiences, from foods to travel.
Disinhibition: Acting on impulse, engaging in behaviors without much restraint.
Boredom Susceptibility: Low tolerance for routine and getting bored easily.
Risk-Taking: Willing to take risks for the sake of new experiences.
Novelty Seeking: Drawn to new, complex, and intense sensations.
Impulsivity: Making quick decisions without much deliberation.
Non-Conformity: Challenging norms and not responding well to authority.
Now that you have these terms by which to understand me, here is how you can help:
Strategic Thrills: Help me find safe and fulfilling ways to satisfy my sensation-seeking side without overwhelming my sensitive side.
Self-Care: Help me prioritize downtime and activities that soothe my sensitive nature.
Support: Direct me to understanding folks who can deal with / appreciate the complexity of my experience.
October has been a month dedicated to glitchtober on instagram! (And keeping depression at bay.)
As with most communities, I’ve been shy to interact with glitch people. I don’t know enough about programming languages, software, or hardware… Blah blah.. listen to me and my insecurities blaaahhhh-
I challenged myself this time to participate in the community. And, because I am me, I made it even less relatable to anyone!
I incorporated another thing I have been appreciating recently: acting performances by Lars Mikkelsen.
Yup. I like glitch.
And, yup, I have a professional crush on Lars Mikkelsen.
Why not mash these things together? The absurdity tickled my brain. And mine alone, it seems
For glitchtober there is a prompt given each day for artists to interpret so I am guilty of spending hours combing through Lars’ work for scenes to fit each prompt. (Thank the maker for pirated materials on the internet! ☠ ) Naturally, after spending a month with his characters I am an even bigger fan. Lars has an Emmy for a reason!
Yeah, I know, how very hipster of me to stan the “obscure” famous people: Ko Murobushi, Yukio Waguri… and now tm’s got yet another “old man” performer influence running in their head. Heaven help my sanity.
Why am I like this?! I scream into the void.
Because it’s lonely trying to share and having this feeling like you suck at it-
Oh, great.
Here is my depression again.
Now I’m going to start bitching about how everything is horrible.
Ugh. Excuse me while I go back to pixel trashing things so I don’t have to think about being a trash misfit (hashtag trash daddy!), misaligned with the rest of the universe.
If you are curious, look up @mrmzther on Instagram to see what a mess I made.
